Scared to death

I don’t even know where to begin this. It’s been a while and I have some hidden posts just to jot down my feelings but this. This is too big. I’m scared. He has shown two completely different sides of himself.

Avoidance of any issues seems to be the way to keep myself safe from him but if I even bring up anything to discuss and talk out he turns into an angry monster and shuts me down. Always “we can talk when Joey is asleep” so I wait and he turns it around and blames me, dismisses any conversation, states “this is how it is going to be”, and just leaves me feeling like a pile of nothing. For 16 years I’ve put him before myself in every way shape or form so much so that I’m going to be the one to suffer when this is all done because of how he is handling this all. Even with all of this going on, I put him before me. Because I know I’ll eventually be ok and his well being is also important because Joey needs him. So I continue to do what I can to ensure that nothing impedes a positive forward outlook and stability especially because of Joey. I don’t know what has caused so much hatred in his heart. And then a switch flips – in front of anyone else, he’s totally fine. Like none of this is going on. It’s absolutely petrifying how that switch flips. What if it flips even worse? What if his verbal anger turns physical? I never thought he could be this hostile towards me in words, so why am I so wrong to think it would never turn physical?

Mental abuse is definitely prevalent right now. His actions mirror his mother’s in how she handles things she doesn’t agree with. You can’t have an adult back and forth conversation with differences in opinions. This is also a woman who has thrown frying pans at her own sons head, stabbed her ex husband, and laid her hands around my neck and tried to choke me while calling me a little bitch and telling me to look her in the eyes when she speaks to me. What’s to say this sudden and strong swing in personality doesn’t turn from mentally trying to control me but also physically? I’m literally petrified right now. I can’t talk to him without being afraid.

His father and mother in law talked to me over the weekend. They told me how much love they have for me and how they were there for whatever I needed because they truly believe I’m a good person among a lot of other things (some of which came to a shock to me about what was being said about me – literally heartbroken). It was so hard to sit there without bawling my eyes out and listen to that. Of course the conversation abruptly ended when he walked back in the house.

Yesterday he showed that same uncontrollable anger and inability to have an adult discussion when opinion differs to his father as we left his father’s house with him blowing up at him as we were leaving. He left with everyone on edge and his mother in law very upset. They saw first hand his uncontrollable swing in attitude and how he just dismisses and makes you feel like garbage if it is something he doesn’t agree with.

I just don’t know. I’m scared of how this will continue if he doesn’t leave soon. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.

Looks like I’m getting served.

Last week we had what I thought was a good conversation on planning ahead. I wanted to know where he stood on finding a place and I come to find out there wasn’t any movement on that. We discussed the market cooling down and the interest rates rising and how now is the time to get pre approved and start working with an agent. Even if it takes a while, those two steps are imperative for getting out there and starting the process. He agreed and said he would work on that. We also discussed what led to all of this and how everything is quite unfixable, duh. I let him know that I was there to help every step of the way because the last thing I wanted him to do was be thrown out without anything. It wouldn’t be the adult thing to do and it wouldn’t be good for keeping a strong co-parent relationship for Joey, which is the goal. I said I would give him some of the furniture and household items I’ve purchased over the years so he didn’t have to dump a lot of money for a fresh start. I only asked that he be open and honest about what is going on as the unknowns were really starting to hurt.

Last night as I was just about to close my eyes to fall asleep after 3 busy days in a row and 3 hard work out days leaving me beyond exhausted, he comes into my bedroom and says “In light of our conversation last week, I’m going to have my lawyer file the paper work – I just want to know how you want to be served”. I was barely awake at that point and taken aback that this was what was taken from that conversation. That wasn’t discussed at all and I didn’t plan on filing until after he is out and on his feet. I woke up at 2am and couldn’t fall back asleep because all I could think of was how was that the only thing taken from our conversation. No he did not go get pre-approved. No he did not start working with a realtor. Yes he did do something we did not discuss.

When I asked about it this morning his response was “I need to know what I can do. That’s just how it is going to be…this is what you wanted.” – basically turning it around on me with a hint of being threatening of coming at me for god knows what. Yes, this is what is wanted/needed; however, what happened to being honest? What happened to being an adult about this? I reminded him that we need to keep Joey in mind and that he gave me his word he would be honest about everything. I have not hid or lied about a single thing and have expressed my intentions to help, not hinder the situation. I’ve repeated over and over again my intention is not to harm him but only to better myself. I just don’t think he gets it and I fear that he’s going to do something that he will regret. If he does try to do anything to harm this house or anything involving Joey I don’t know how I will handle that. Mothers have a protective instinct and this mother has lost 3 children to miscarriage. I will not allow anything to harm my sole surviving baby. I hope at this point it is me being paranoid and there’s no hidden agenda here…but based on the attitude today in “this is how its going to be” statement, I am a little fearful he’s not being honest with me.

Yes I want this done and over and all of that, but my intention was to do it in the most adult and calculated way possible to lessen the financial burden on both of us and the impact on Joey. I don’t know how else to express that as I feel like I am wasting my breath at this point.

Tired of waiting

I can feel it in my emotions. I’m getting more frustrated and it’s starting to manifest in my moods. The frustration is from the slow movement and lack of communication among a plethora of other annoyances that I try to bury deep down and only vocalize when I’m alone and can scream “what the fuck” “why the fuck” or “how the fuck”?!

I just need him to move out. Only then will I be able to feel more comfortable, less irritable, and won’t have to deal with the reasons surrounding my need to scream these profanities in private. The reason will be gone and I will finally be free and on the way back to happiness.

I’ve been overly giving and fair over the last year. Probably being taken advantage of at this point. If nothing changes soon, I will have to put my foot down.

A Fresh Start

My last blog has gone untouched for a long time with the exception of a post scheduled to go up tonight which will mimic this new beginning chapter almost exactly. I decided to end it because it served its purpose and I felt weird trying to write in it. My journey to motherhood had its happy ending and updates on the golden child felt weird to publish on a site meant to support others struggling with infertility. I’ve decided to create an extension, a new chapter, since so much has changed over the years and a new beginning has been created. I chose today as the day to do that since one year ago I got to see exactly what loyalty was not.   And that led to a big decision that probably should have been made many times over, but I was too scared to create that ending because I didn’t realize it meant a healthy new beginning.  

On this day, one year ago, after being stared at, laughed at, bird dogged, and targeted with narcissistic acts, I was told by the one who was always supposed to be by my side that it was all in my head. That I was seeing things that weren’t really happening. Then I was literally cornered, talked down to, cursed at and attempted to/started to be choked. Had I not gotten up it could have ended way worse. I walked away immediately after that final event with my head held high instead of retaliating so as not to interfere with the reception of two lovebirds on their wedding day. Where did it get me? Blamed some more and not one single person stood up for me. At that point I knew I needed a change. That my mental and physical well being couldn’t depend on anyone else but myself. That day I built a wall in my heart. Edited to add that it wasn’t him who did these things, but he was the one who did not stand up for or support his wife when I needed it the most. It was the final straw after many failed attempts of trying to prove he wanted to maintain our marriage. Also, before you tell me to forgive and move on, know this isn’t the whole story. There’s much deeper things that I won’t go into. Also, shhh. It’s actually none of anyone’s business.

I’ve grown a lot since then.  I put myself first after that because if I don’t take care of myself FIRST, I can’t take care of Joey.  Shortly after that day, I adopted a puppy for myself and Joey – I needed the loyalty that dogs inherently have.  Rose has been my emotional support.  Taekwondo has been my outlet for stress.  New friends have given me back some of my happiness.  And watching Joey grow up with so much empathy and kindness and so much strength just solidifies the fact that I am needed, I am worth it, I can be happy, and I don’t have room in my heart for those who disrespect me and betray me through lack of action, broken promises, and betrayal.  

Sometimes someone can be a good person in general, but not good for you. And it’s ok to walk away. It’s ok to have a new beginning. We still have one person in our forefront, and that’s all that matters. Caring for the one innocent little man that will be affected the most throughout this process will be the biggest piece of this new puzzle of how to move forward. While I am hurt and have been hurting beyond words for the better part of a year, I will put that hurt aside to ensure that Joey gets nothing but love and respect from both of us. Because that’s what being a parent is all about.

Onto new adventures full of happiness. There will be some bumps ahead but we will only get stronger as a result. As long as we continue to act like adults.